Practical, Therapeutic, Theological Thought

by Penrod

Motto: Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. Sigmund Freud

Good Morning, Gentlemen:

How's your game been going? Have you been hitting some sweet notes? Have you had lighthearted times with your wife? What's the score as of now? Have you had any bad innings? I hope they have been few.

One blind spot to watch out for, a frequent husband failing which I share, is the belief that because we have good intentions, because we are good-hearted, and because we mean no harm, we should be forgiven, understood, and loved, even when we screw up.

There is nothing wrong with being on the receiving end of such graciousness as long as it holds. The fact that mothers may treat us that way for their entire lives, makes it is easy to expect the same from our wives. To do so, however, is nearly always a mistake. We must watch ourselves on this score. Even if they would, we can't afford to be mothered by our wives. Rather, we need training and practice in the vital arts. One such vital art is to express appreciation electively. Another such art is making one's wife laugh. Those two arts can often carry a husband when almost everything else is missing.

Manners are basic resources for husbands. Without manners, the task of functioning well and the art of communicating appreciation are likely to be lost causes. Especially important is knowledge of the conventions of greeting and parting, and the ability to employ them. You need to make these conventions your own. You need to personalize them so as to get better at engaging and disengaging with others, and especially with your wife. Courteous, appropriate words like "Hello" and "Goodbye;" gestures like a hand shake or a smile can be invaluable, even essential. Clenched fists, frowns, and other mannerisms less civil must be reserved for exceptional situations, outside of marriage and family, which are unfriendly, uncivilized, and more dangerous. Even in such settings, it is wise to be cautious about using conventions of hostility.

We do not have to make up the conventions of conviviality and that is their beauty. They are there for us with their own capacity to author. They give us tools and a framework for acting. Many times, if my experience is any indication, husbands do not utilize these conventions, perhaps because they may seem rote or obvious. The use of words like, "I love you," or, "You are beautiful," may be neglected. Of course, each husband has his own game to play and you may be doing just fine without attending to such matters or the disciplines they represent, These remarks and suggestions are not meant to cramp anyone's style, but if you, like I, find you need all the help you can get, I urge you to keep at it. Attend to the basics.