Practical, Therapeutic, Theological Thought

by Penrod

Motto: "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar." Sigmund Freud

Husbands! To Your Stations!

These are confusing times for husbands. A powerful train of thinking reduces us to spouses only, a neutral vision lacking gender and sexuality. Against this mind-set, can we fulfill our responsibilities?

Some people say that as equal partners, Me with another can be more as it should be, It is possible, they say, to have much better relationships as partners than as husband and wife — the "old paradigm." However, the partner paradigm is also fraught with problems and is not all it's cracked up to be.

Husbands need fundamentals upon which to build strategies so that we can play our positions well. Most of these fundamentals are basic to any type of partnership. We seek rock-solid fundamentals — as solid as staying in time with the music, blocking and tackling, learning to dribble without looking at the basketball, or keeping the eye on the ball when at the plate, learning to listen, and so forth. Goals like love and fun are hard to reach without some skill in the art of appreciation or some training in the skills needed for the work of the household.

An apt description, practical description, for a wife is "Beloved Opponent." Runar Eldebo, from Lidingö, Sweden, suggests such an idea in the article: "God: The Beloved Opponent" He wrote: "A human existence without opposition falls into comfortability. This is the very big sin according to many of the Church Fathers, apetheia — apathy. A life without striving. A life without an opponent" (Pietisten Spring, 1992).

One's wife (one's husband as well, but that is the other side of the net which is not mine, not the husband's to play) is surely an opponent. The question, applying Eldebo's thought: Is she beloved? Ah, is that not the heart of the matter? The husband's challenge, indeed, duty, is to flight the fight or to play the match in such a way that love prevails.

Differences about how to handle practical, everyday matters like taking care of a place:, deciding how it will be arranged, and managing to pay for it can easily upset the love one feels. Living together and supporting yourselves presents hosts of problems and adjustments. Each partner struggles toward his or her vision of life together, life for us. You and your wife were raised in different families with at least some different ideas and attitudes about most everything.

The agreements that every couple reaches and the successful adjustments they make are instances of effective fighting in which "for us" ground has been reached. Often this success goes unnoticed. When a couple is unable to fight through to an agreement about life for us, problems dominate the perspective. Continuing with the opponent metaphor, the question is not whether a couple will fight, the question is whether they will fight effectively. The nub of the matter is whether I as a husband am fighting effectively.

Playing one's position is a good metaphor. If I have the position of husband, I have the right, responsibility, and freedom to play it as well as possible under game circumstances, whatever they may be. When I am not playing my position well or am fighting ineffectively,a downward spiral develops, and the husband's goal — loving one's wife and living enjoyably with her — becomes increasingly remote. Under these circumstances, there is less personal independence as well, making it nearly impossible to get out of the house with your wife's blessing.

Defensiveness often starts when a husband takes offense at something his wife says, does, or does not do. Counter attack is instinctive, and it easily results in exchanging blows intended to knock the other down. Though it may look like the parties are on the offensive, it is not truly so. It will not lead to a positive score.

Let me illustrate. I go on a camping trip with good friends while my wife stays home with our two-year-old son. Our son gets ill, the car develops a problem, and someone calls about a bill I have neglected to pay. My wife is angry and, when I get home, she let's me know how rotten it has been for her.

Here a husband's fighting skills and his ability to develop an offense are tested. There are two main moves possible, a good move and a bad move.

Bad move: Husband; "Don't be mad at me. If you think you had a bad time here, you should have been with us. The mosquitoes were vicious, it poured every night and we couldn't get dry, the canoe leaked, and Den got sick."

Wife: "Big deal! What are you complaining about? You didn't have to stay home with a sick kid. Besides, that unpaid bill just shows how you are sloughing off. I feeI like things are out of control and that everything will fall apart if I don't take charge."

If our husband reacts defensively, husband and wife will soon be attacking each other and this husband, a long way from a joyous reunion, has his work cut out for him.

Good Move: Husband; "Honey, I'm sorry things have been so rough, While I am off with my friends for some fun, you take care of everything. I don't blame you for feeling as you do. I can't tell you how much I appreciate what you have done. I love you and want to do whatever I can I to help now?" Then, get at it. Clean, take care of the child, give a back rub, run errands. The husband must keep focused on appreciating what his wife did to cover the bases while he was gone.

Things will be a lot better if a husband uses the good move approach. He is not as likely to get trapped defending himself and, with this good move, he can switch from defense to a true offense.

There are no guarantees, but if a determined husband sticks with this loving, positive approach, this game plan, no matter what, he is likely to be effective. If he remains steadily appreciative of whatever there is to be appreciative about — it is a rare husband who will not find many things to appreciate if he stops to consider — his wife begins to feel good about herself, to appreciate her husband for noticing what she is doing, and, in that process, to feel generous toward her husband. She becomes inclined to turn to him for support and to give him love and support in return. This can lead to pleasant times and very good feelings.