Practical, Therapeutic, Theological Thought
Fundamentals for Parents
Motto: “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.” — Sigmund Freud
Many parents are worried about their children, and many adults complain about the youth of America and of the world. High-school-aged kids and even younger children are getting into a lot of trouble. But, every generation has complained about its youth, so maybe our time is no different. Yet, is it possible that the constant exposure of our youth to TV commercials and to TV and movie violence, combined with the availability of lethal weapons, drugs, and, likely, of more unsupervised time have not raised danger and concern to new heights in our time?
Whatever the general state of affairs may be, the rubber hits the road in our own families — in the particulars. I have noticed in myself — and I have yet to meet a parent who has not said the same — that there is little, if anything, I care about as much as I care about our children. When our first child was born, I, like my wife and other parents I have talked with, discovered a new part of myself that I previously did not know existed. My joys and concerns were focused on this little person whom I cared about in ways I could not have known before he was there.
I saw world events in the light of his future and I cared deeply and in a different way about things like the environment and nuclear danger because of the vital impact of these matters on the future of children and, specifically, our son.
I am confident that you, if you are a parent, are nodding your head in agreement. Based on this, it is clear to me that the difficulties we see among our youth do not exist, as I have heard it alleged, because parents do not care and love.
But, even when we care most deeply and try the hardest, things can go sour. A great gulf can arise between us and our children. The complex multiple influences to which they are exposed can frighten us. How can we maintain some control? How can we give some guidance? How can we head off the dangers we fear, including drugs, pregnancy, and AIDS?
As an alternative to solitary confinement from ages 10 to 18 (appealing as that might sometimes seem, it is neither practical nor satisfying), our best bet is to figure out how to play our positions as parents as well as possible. Knowing and practicing sound fundamentals enables us to respond well on our particular playing fields. Here are six fundamentals for playing our positions effectively.
1) Parents, be a team. This is a simple, clear, coaching recommendation, but it is not necessarily easy to execute. Each parent has grown up in a different family with different ways of doing things. Things of concern in one family are unimportant in another. It can be a big challenge for parents to work as a team. When you feel that the compromise this teamwork calls for is too great or that you are being asked to embrace an incorrect philosophy or forced to abandon cherished values, hammer it out with your partner rather than each of you hammering on the children from opposite sides. When the latter happens, what the children experience is the division and hostility between the parents which is much more immediate, relevant, and long-lasting in undermining effective parenting. Single parents can escape the hazard of becoming a fractured team, but they must face other tough challenges of playing the ball game without a supporting player. If that is your position, you know better than I do how valuable it is to find additional resources of support.
2) Don’t let the attitudes and actions of your children control your attitudes and actions. This, too, is a clear fundamental, but often difficult to execute. It is not easy to maintain a good attitude or even to continue with a planned activity when a child is feeling down or acting in a troublesome way, because we care so much about how things are going with our children. However, there are two reasons to strive to maintain control of our own attitudes and actions, regardless of the actions or attitudes of our child. First, if the child’s mood controls ours, then the child has power that he or she should not have. A child is not bad because he or she exercises this power; it is a natural thing to do. We can play our side of the net — fundamental to playing our position well — by retaining control over our own attitudes and actions. Second, if we lose our self-control and become depressed, angry, or unable to proceed with our lives and responsibilities, we do not model the attitudes and actions we wish our children to adopt.
3) Give as much attention to your offensive game as to your defensive game. In our concern, we tend to focus on the things that trouble and worry us about our children. Things that are going well do not worry us, and they often go unnoticed. It is easy to concentrate too much on our defensive game. Punishment becomes the basic play and “no” our automatic response. When we do this, our children begin to shut down in our presence and look elsewhere for support and reinforcement. Even when we are in the midst of a major problem with a child who is having trouble at school, defying our rules, or being mean to siblings, it helps if we keep our offense in action by affirming our child. Notice the things about her or him that are positive, and look for opportunities to say “yes.” Plant seeds of affirmation. “I like the way you look this morning.” Or “Thanks for. . . .” Or “I admire your growing independence.” Do not add, “But . . .” or “Why can’t you be like that all the time?” Do not get discouraged when affirmations are not acknowledged. We are on offense; we can only play our position. If our affirmations are true, they stand regardless of the response. Seeds need time to sprout.
Stressing the importance of affirmation does not mean abandoning our defense. Rules, regulations, and expectations are important. Discipline does not need to be sacrificed by affirming, seed-planting parents. Discipline is the entire job of teaching and guiding, and punishment is only one part of it.
Every day a parent loses power over children. As young people become more independent, power plays and punishment become less effective. A new game plan is required. Our best hope for maintaining influence is to build bridges of affirmation. Our young people are much more likely to be drawn to us and influenced by us if they find in us a source of appreciation and support. This is practical, valuable, and satisfying.
4) Don’t underestimate your power. We may feel that children have all the power, especially as they grow older. They act as if they know everything and we seem unable to convince then of anything. They do not acknowledge our wisdom or judgement, and there seems to be no way of gaining control. But, from the other side of the fence, it looks entirely different. To teenagers, the parents have the power. And it’s true. We have the money, the car, the place to sleep, and the food. The intensity of a teenager’s resistance is often a measure of his or her sense of the overwhelming power of the parents.
5) Involve your family in the social life of a church, synagogue, mosque, or other religious or social community, whether you are a believer or not. In these communities, a child encounters people of all ages who care about him or her. I have felt great relief and gratitude knowing that there are others who are attending to and caring about my child. Here people of all ages come to know our children by name and to treat them with respect. The children are in a place where they can make good friends. These communities are a tremendous resource and a great “buy.” I don’t think their value can be overestimated. If you fear the danger of becoming over-involved or obligated, I encourage you to think of the community as existing for your benefit. I can only speak about this for myself as a Christian, but I think the same attitude is appropriate wherever ministry is the goal of the community. A church has a mission; it is committed to bless and to give. It can do little that is more valuable than being a resource to parents and families. By receiving, we are giving; we are making it possible for the church to give.
6) Spend time with your children. Search for more ways as they become older and less available. Use your power and resources to buy their love and affection. Look for and meet the needs that no one else can meet.
These six fundamentals for playing the position of parent are not exhaustive, nor do they do guarantee trouble-free results. They do not guarantee a “win.” In life, as in a game, winning cannot be guaranteed, but winning is virtually impossible without the fundamentals and without playing one’s position as well as one can. May your game go well.
Wow, Penrod is really coming on strong. It appears he reads the mail we receive for him. Keep writing, readers. Eds.