Strange songs and Holy humor
Following my earlier article in Pietisten that included a selection of hymns and songs ranging from the quaint to the absurd, I offer you more of the same in this sequel.
A critic I read recently complained about the stupidity of many contemporary Christian hymns: “We are the most educated Christians in history, and yet our lyrics are considerably stupider than our much less educated Christian forebears. But in all fairness, I think the majority of [all] hymns have always been pretty stupid. Hymns typically suffer either from painfully bad lyrics or from a trivial, no-less-painful sentimentality. There are so few great hymns left if you subtract the Christmas carols and Charles Wesley.”
Rather harsh and terribly unfair, I would say. He castigates the entire panoply of sacred song that has enriched and inspired generations of the faithful. This poor brother must suffer from severe spiritual constipation. Pray that he finds relief soon.
However, the present article will disclose some lyrics that may prove him right—at least to a small degree.
Despite the thousands of hymns that are literary gems from master poets, are grounded in historic theology and a rich source of great spiritual inspiration, I bring you a sampling of quaint lyrics from a bygone era, printed hymn bloopers, misunderstandings of hymn language from children and hymns with rather strange theology.
We can still savor the vast, rich treasury of Christian song that is ours, but be amused by those that fell by the wayside.
Here’s a brief survey of some hymns and songs not likely to achieve immortality:
Happy as a bird!
Do you wonder at the people being envious?
When they see that we are as happy as can be,
With the joy of the Lord all around us,
We’re as happy as the birds up in the tree—
tweet! tweet!
A real song! I heard it myself! Christians are always happy, to the envy of others.
The Royal Telephone
Central’s never busy—always on the line;
You may hear from heaven almost any time;
‘Tis a royal service, free for one and all—
When you get in trouble, give this royal line a call.
Chorus
Telephone to glory, O what joy divine!
I can feel the current moving on the line.
Built by God the Father for his loved and own;
We may talk to Jesus through this royal telephone.
There will be no charges, telephone is free;
It was built for service just for you and me.
There will be no waiting on this royal line—
Telephone to glory, always answers just in time.
Fail to get your answer? Satan’s crossed your wire
By some strong delusion or some base desire.
Take away obstructions, God is on the throne;
And you’ll get your answer through the royal telephone.
Talk about free long distance calling!
Missionary hymns
Many missionary hymns of the 19th and early 20th centuries had a rather patronizing tone and quite unusual descriptions of the regions where foreign missionaries have served. My favorite in this genre is:
Remember all the people who serve in far off lands,
in strange and lonely cities or roam the desert sands;
Some work in sultry forests where apes swing to and fro…
Hard to get past that “swinging apes” line!
A temperance era admonition
Touch not the cup, it is death to thy soul.
Many I know have quaffed from that bowl;
Little they thought that the demon was there,
Blindly they drank and were caught in the snare.
Touch not the cup when the wine glistens bright,
Though like a ruby it shines in the light,
Fangs of the serpent are hid in the bowl,
Deeply the poison may enter thy soul.
Refrain
Touch not the cup, touch it not.
Typical of many late-19th century hymns—not just moderation but total abstinence.
Pennies for Heaven
This children’s Sunday School offering song provides an introduction to Stewardship 101:
Hear the pennies dropping! Listen while they fall.
Every one for Jesus — He will get them all.
Now, while we are little, pennies are our store;
But when we are older, Lord, we’ll give thee more.
Refrain
Dropping, dropping, dropping, dropping—Hear the pennies fall!
Every one for Jesus—He will get them all.
Almost too embarrassing to sing
Of a more contemporary vintage is this rather eroticized spirituality — the exalted Christ and Lord of all creation as our boyfriend.
Take me deeper, deeper in love with you
Jesus, hold me close in your embrace.
Take me deeper, deeper than I’ve ever been before;
I just want to love you more and more:
How I long to be deeper in love.
And not far from the above sentiments is this (scribbled on the back of a bulletin):
“Hey Jenny, remember when we used to make out to this hymn?”
As the kids heard it
“The cattle are blowing the baby away...”
“Up from the gravy a rose...”
>“Sleep in heavenly peas...”
“Noel, Noel…Barney’s the king of Israel!”
“While shepherds washed their socks by night...”
More Gems of the Faith
Cecil Frances Alexander, author of “Once in Royal David’s City” and “There is a Green Hill,” also penned these little known lines for children when they are taken through the churchyard cemetery:
Within the churchyard, side by side, are many long low graves;
And some have stones set over then, On some the green grass waves.
Full many a little Christian child, Woman, and man, lies there;
And we pass near them every time, When we go in to prayer.
They do not hear when the great bell, Is ringing overhead;
They cannot rise and come to church with us, for they are dead.
Now there’s a dose of reality for the fourth grade class!
Derived somehow from Luke’s gospel (14:20) comes this verse:
I cannot come to the banquet, don’t bother me now;
I have married a wife, I have bought me a cow.
In my Sunday School days in western Nebraska we sang this creedal song:
One, two, three — the Devil’s after me,
Four, five six — he’s always throwing bricks,
Seven, eight, nine — he misses every time,
Alleluia, alleluia, Amen.
The cosmic battle between good and evil is presented in a more understandable way.
In the hymn, “I Hear the Sound of Rustling,” we have this memorable line:
The Church that seemed in slumber has now risen from its knees;
and the dry bones are responding with the fruit of new birth.
It takes a rare talent to mix four metaphors in a single sentence.
Another way to describe the conversion process:
I been roped and throwed by Jesus in the Holy Ghost Corral.
Yup, a real song. (I would have preferred “Chorale.”)
OOPS!
Then there are those delicious typos, misprints, the misheard and other errors that were spoken or reached the worship bulletin:
Praise, my soul, the king of heaven....
In his hands he gently bares us.
Chris is made the sure foundation
And give us, we pray, your peach in our hearts at the end of the day.
Please stand to sing the hum.
During Communion the choir will sing the Angus Die.
I was there to hear your boring cry.
To you-hoo for refuge to Jesus have fled.
I will list mine eyes… (Psalm 121)
Amazing grace…that saved a wrench like me.
Immoral, invisible, God only wise…
Sin to the Lord with all of your heart.
An order of service for a baptism urged the candidate to reject “Stan and all his works”
A British organist reported playing for a memorial service with a long processional, during which the hymn “Praise, my Soul, the King of Heaven” was sung. Anticipating that the hymn would be too short, the vicar had written, “The organist will improve between verses 3 & 4.”